It's already 9.30PM, and Jayden is rubbing his eyes profusely. Surprisingly he keeps silent, hugging me gently like a koala bear on a tree trunk, his head lying on my chest. I imagine him listening to my heartbeat.
He stays still for a long while as Andrea drives on, the warm yellow street lights flickering past us. Just when I thought he had fallen asleep, he sits upright and looks squarely into my eyes, his chubby fingers caressing my stomach almost absent-mindedly. Then he lays his body back down against me. I hug him closer and kiss the top of his head.
As Andrea reaches his mother's house, I whisper to Jayden, "Tonight you sleep with Papa, OK. Mommy love you very much." Except for the tightening of his grip on my waist, Jayden doesn't move. The entire car ride has been unusually peaceful, without his fiddling around the dashboard and climbing all over the front seats (we left the car seat at home). The most unusual thing is that, he hasn't asked for nen-nen despite being so tired and so close to my chest.
I tell myself that I'm reading too much into his actions, that I'm romanticizing the whole thing, and that the pregnancy hormones are to blame for the tears swelling up my eyes and the tightness across my chest.
Still, the tears flowed as I pulled out of the house, leaving Jayden with his father and beloved grandma for the night. It is better for everyone this way, I chant to myself, willing for it to be so.
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